All You Need is Love - No, Seriously.

So we’ve made it past Valentine’s Day…. A holiday that purports the celebration of love. Meh. Anyone who knows me, knows that I share Ron Swanson’s sentiment regarding Valentine’s Day. I am all about celebrating love. I just think buying chocolate and flowers on February 14 every year is kind of counterproductive. It’s also become known as Single’s Awareness Day. Doesn’t that sound awesome? It’s a holiday that single handedly makes more people feel like shit about their lives than any other day of the year. I can’t tell you if every person you know has had a least one good one, but I can almost guarantee you that every single person you know has had a shit one that looks something like this Will Ferrell meme… 

Since, we are now beyond that lovely holiday, I think that maybe we should practice celebrating some love in another way.

We all have people in our lives that we love. In theory, love is unconditional. Our flawed nature sometimes gets in the way of this. That being said, I really want you to concentrate on one of the purer forms of love. How do you love your children? Parents? Grandparents? Do you accept their flaws? Do you want them to be happy? Do you beat them up about every mistake they make? Do you judge them for every wrong thing they’ve ever done? Do you forgive them? Accept them as they are? There may be hiccups, but at the end of the day, you love them and you forgive their downfalls and celebrate their virtues.

If someone messes with one of them, you want to kill them, right? If someone told them that they were worthless, you would want to throat punch them. They are worth more than the sun and the moon to you. If someone consistently made them feel bad about themselves, you would gleefully plan their death.
 

So why, for the love of everything holy, would you treat yourself any differently?

We all have problems. Nobody’s life is perfect. And narcissists aside, I’ve found that not loving oneself seems to be central to overcoming those problems. It’s central to finding true fulfillment in your life. Narcissists don’t have the same problems. Their problems are usually more about being confused and frustrated that the rest of the world isn’t worshiping the ground they walk on.

Why am I picking on narcissists? Because I don’t want you to confuse loving yourself with being egoistical, narcissistic or selfish. It’s about treating yourself with AT LEAST the same deference as you show the people you love. We all know one, and we want to avoid becoming one. This isn't the same thing. 

Loving yourself is about balancing your self-worth, your self-esteem and your self-respect. It’s forgiving yourself. It’s showing yourself kindness. It’s nurturing yourself. Loving yourself means accepting yourself. It means allowing yourself to be you and even pushing yourself to be you.

Ok. Trust me when I say, I’m fully aware that this is easier said than done. However, I promise you that whatever you want out of your life, it will be lost to you until you acknowledge that you matter.

That is your starting point. You have to believe you matter enough to learn to love yourself. Then what? (I’ll just pretend you asked) I think that answer is different for everyone, but I’ll give you a short list of the things that have worked for me or have helped people I know.

1. Stop the act of people pleasing. You CANNOT make everyone happy. It’s not your job. You cannot make someone love you by being what they want. It never, ever works. Never. Ever.
2. Spend some time with yourself. Get to know yourself. I can claim to love Chris Hemsworth all I want, but the truth is that I can’t love someone I don’t know and neither can you. I can love to look at him but it’s hard to get to know someone from 500 feet away. Spend some time alone with yourself. Get intimate with yourself. (No. That’s not what I meant, but if that’s what it takes – go for it.) 
3. Allow yourself to have feelings. This doesn’t mean dwelling in them. For example, I don’t advise you plotting the death of someone who you strongly dislike, but you can just accept the fact that you dislike them. Envy, greed, and those other five bad boys are part of our nature. You can deny them or you can accept that they exist and figure out how to deal with them. 
4. Do things for yourself. Nurturing things. Restorative things. Take care of yourself. Take a bath. Go for a hike. Read a book. Lock yourself in the closet with a bottle of wine so the kids can’t find you for a little bit. Whatever you need – do that for yourself. Don’t depend on other people to do it for you.
5. Every time you see one of those all inspiring quotes on the internet about love ask yourself if you are loving yourself that much. I guarantee you that you do the same thing I do when I turn that around and go, “Shit. Not there yet.” Which is fine. It’s just a friendly reminder that you are worth being there. (One of my faves is this Thich Nhat Hanh quote )
   
6. Are there certain things that you beat yourself up about a lot? Are there things you do that you hate about yourself? Yeah, stop doing those. You won’t be able to quit cold turkey, so for the love of Christ, don’t beat yourself up about that either. Baby steps. Resolve to improve, not perfect. Progress over perfection – always remember that.
7. Do not, under any circumstances, allow someone in your life to make you feel like what you feel and what you think does not matter. Do not misunderstand this. They may actually not care what you feel or think. And you can’t make them. Don’t let them convince you that their opinion of you is more important than your own.
8. Don’t keep score. There isn’t a scorecard with people that love you. They don’t owe you. You don’t owe them. I’ve done pretty hateful things to people in my past. I called a waitress at Chili’s a hussy once because she took forever to bring me a chocolate molten lava cake. I owe her an apology and I should never do that again. I don’t owe her any more than that. There is no such thing as “making up for” your mistakes. Stop killing yourself trying to.
9. Stop the blame game. Nothing is all your fault. It’s not all someone else’s fault. “The man” is not bringing you down. Everything is a result of a million different factors. Accept that, learn from your part in it, and move on.
10. Accept the love you are given. Let it wash over you. There are people who love you, and I’m assuming that you respect and love some of them. Let them love you exactly as you are. See yourself through their eyes and don’t dismiss their opinion of you.

Some days I find it very hard to love myself at all because, quite frankly, I am even a pain in my own ass. It’s kind of like loving your mother (Hi, Mom. Love you!) Moms can get under our skin like nobody else can. I think this is especially true of mother/daughter relationships. There was a whole year of my life that I didn’t actually speak to my mother completely sober. My mother’s mother drives her and my aunt insane too.

My point is even though we love our mothers, sometimes it’s hard to act that way. Some days that means waiting until we are in a better mood to return that phone call. The same goes with ourselves. Sometimes we don’t feel like acting in self-love. It’s ok. Give yourself time. Just like that phone call to your mom, you are going to have to return it eventually. Even if you don’t get in the mood. Do the same for yourself. Because at some point in time you are going to be sick or hurt and need your momma. At some point in time you are going to challenged and heartbroken and need yourself.

Everything you want is on the other side of that. Loving yourself will make you more lovable. It will teach the people around you to do the same. What better lesson could you teach your children than this?
 

It’s not quite like a State Farm commercial. You don’t get to enroll in loving yourself insurance and then magically sing a jingle for everything you want in life to appear. That would be so awesome wouldn’t it? Loving yourself does the same thing that someone loving you does. It bolsters you. It builds you up. It strengthens you. You have to work for the things you want in life. You have to struggle for them and hurt for them. You can’t have the life you want without believing that you are worth having it.

Congratulations. You survived another February the 14th. From now on, don't just talk to yourself like you would someone you love, treat yourself that way. Try to make this the last Valentine's Day that you don’t buy yourself flowers and chocolate. 

So while you all go do that, I’m going to see if the State Farm jingle will bring me some ice cream and wine. When that fails I’m going to see if I love myself enough to get out of this chair and get it. 

You aren't in China. This isn't 2007. You aren't Britney Spears. It will be ok.

I had shit week last week. There wasn’t a single good reason for it either. I slept more between Wednesday and Sunday of last week than I did in the first year of Emma’s life. I didn’t write a thing. I didn’t clean the house. The children got fed some pretty questionable meals and I wasn’t exactly at the top of my productivity game at work either. Wednesday I stayed home sick. Thursday I was on edge. By Friday, I was a babbling, sobbing, erratic, insane mess.

I didn’t get out of bed on Saturday until like 2:00 PM and that was only because I had to be at my sisters how at 3:00. Its 30 minutes away. I mean, I got up and got some coffee and got back into bed, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t count any more than the donut I ate somewhere around noon.

There is a popular meme on the internet that I love that says, “If Britney Spears made it through 2007, I can make it through today.”

Amen to that.

Wanna know why I love that one? Because it’s relatable in a way that real tragedy isn’t.

When I was ten, we had some family dinner get together at my grandmothers. There were four of us cousins sitting at the round white diner style table in the kitchen on blue vynle covered chairs, while the adults gathered around the big table in the dining room. It was just on the other side of the stove in the kitchen, so dinning “room” might be a stretch.

We were nasty, grimy little bastards. I don’t remember what we into that day. Racing barn cats, beating the hell out of each other, teaching the younger cousins to do things that would get them in trouble so we could do what we wanted… Who knows what we had been up to, but we weren’t done and we were not in the mood to eat. By we, I mean me. I’m pretty sure that neither of the boys ever had a “not in the mood to eat” moment. I can’t remember if any of the other girls were there. I remember the boys, because I foisted a bunch of my food off on them before I got caught.

For some reason, on this fine family evening, I decided that I didn’t like cooked carrots. While I’ve never been a huge fan of that particular vegetable in its mushier form, I don’t recall ever hating them. Which means that this little fit can only be a result of my contrary nature. My father is not really the hard ass type either, so I’m not sure what got into him on that very evening. Probably my contrary nature – I could test a dead man’s patience. The amount of time’s I’ve been told “Your grandfather is rolling over in his grave” is a testament to that.

Anyway, I wanted to get up and continue about the trouble I was getting into elsewhere, when my father informed me that I had to eat my carrots first.

“No”

Seriously, even when the words came out of my mouth, I have no idea why I was saying it.
 
“Well, you aren’t getting up from that table until those carrots are gone. Every. Single. One of them.”

Gauntlet thrown. Let the standoff commence.

I don’t know how long it lasted, but I do know that in the course of this whole cooked carrot quandary there were lots words tossed around. Threats of beating might been thrown out there, along with dramatic declarations of not being loved. I don’t remember all of it, but I’m certain I was given the age old “there are starving children in China” guilt trip.

You know what a ten year old thinks when you tell them that there are starving children in China? It goes something like this:

Last weekend when I didn’t finish my chicken mcnuggets and mom wouldn’t let me have a snack because dinner was almost ready, I thought I thought I was absolutely going to DIE?! My stomach as going to eat my body! Those Chinese kids can’t possibly life like that. I’m not eating these stupid carrots.

The concept simply isn’t in the realm of comprehension for a ten year old.

So yes, I can remind myself that millions of Jews were tortured and died in the Holocaust. I can tell myself that there are women right here in my own community who are beaten every day. I can think of someone I know just lost a child or friend or parent and have far more suffering than I do. However, the depth of that suffering isn’t in the realm of my comprehension. The result of that is that I hate myself. Hating myself is not productive to getting out of bed.

I’m fully aware that there is real tragedy in the world and that my lack of sleep, three kids, and PMS are not notable in the grand scheme of things. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not having a shit week.

THIS is why I love the Britney Spears analogy. I can relate to just being bat shit crazy. So when I’m lying in bed having a shit week, and I can’t get up, I think about Britney Spears.

So what if I laid in the closet floor and cried this morning because I couldn’t find my green shirt. Nobody wrote a “tell all” book about it.

So what if I drank a bottle of wine last night and stumbled to bed. Nobody caught my mascara smeared, hair ratted wobbly ass on camera. (Drunk selfies do not count)

So what if I threw the curling iron across the bathroom because my hair didn’t cooperate. Despite my threats, I didn’t actually shave my head.

So I didn’t write anything at all, profound or otherwise. I won’t always be known for wearing a school girl skirt and singing “Hit me baby, one more time”

This is not to say I haven’t worn a school girl skirt and sang “Hit me baby, one more time.” It’s just not what I’m not known for. I’m not Britney Spears. This is not 2007. I can do this. 

Everybody has bad days. You are allowed to have cranky days. The reality of your own suffering, no matter the reason, IS significant. Sometimes there just isn’t a reason. You don’t have to assign a reason to your sadness, your anger or you frustration.

You don’t have to justify your feelings to the world. Neither did Britney, the world just took it upon themselves to have an opinion. There is a strong possibility that your world will do the same to you.

Someone will ask you why you are in a bad mood. Which always improves the situation doesn’t it? I know when I’m in a bad mood, I just adore it when someone apprises me of the fact. I clearly hadn’t noticed. Then, it gets really exciting when they proceed to demand a reason for the mood they just assigned to me. Brilliant.

On occasion, it might just be better for the world at large if you to just stay in bed. There are days that wallowing in your own misery is just what you need to do. Sometimes a little wallowing is restorative.

At some point in time, I’m assuming, like myself, you will have to get up. The children will need to eat something other than protein bars and lunchables eventually. The rent will not pay itself and you cannot call in to work bitchy. Trust me. I’ve tried. And there is no reason whatsoever that you should let that DSW coupon expire. That’s just wasteful.

When that time comes, get out of bed, put some whiskey in your coffee. If it’s after like 9:00 or 10:00 AM, have some wine. Eat some cake for breakfast. You know that obnoxious as hell, inspirational shit on the internet that pops up all the time and says, “Breath. It’s just a bad day, not a bad life.” It turns out that it’s actually kind of true. It may be a shit week, or a bad day, or even a year from hell, but Britney made it through 2007 – you’ve totally got this.

If that fails, read this blog post again. I threw my curling iron, fed my kids lunchables, and know the words to Britney Spear’s songs. You don’t have to be my specific kind of crazy to relate to it and know that you aren’t alone. Anyone who says they don’t have bad days is a liar and they are faking it. Ignore them.

So you tell me, would you rather lay in bed, eat chocolate and wallow in your bad day or slap a fake smile on your face and pretend it isn’t happening. That is absolutely necessary more often than not. I’m just saying that when you are given the opportunity, just let yourself have a bad day.

Then get up and get going. There are starving children in China for Christ sake!