It's Been a Whole Year Since I Didn't Become a Better Person

Happy New Year!

I can’t believe it’s 2015. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I didn’t become a better person. My, how time does fly when you are failing at your goals and resolutions. 

To be fair, I didn’t set any high minded resolutions to be a better person last year. My whole plan for 2014 was to learn a little about myself, survive that, and try some new strategies. I’ve been trying and failing to be a better person for years. I figured it was time to give that up for a bit and just hang out and try a little self-awareness. 

The last 52 weeks have been filled with every imaginable thought and feeling. I had some huge triumphs and some dark, dark days. All in all, I learned some valuable lessons though. Here are ten of my major take aways from this past year: 


1. I actually have my big girl panties on.
 

I did a lot of things by myself this year. I went to movies, saw live music, took road trips, went to art museums and just generally explored the world around me on my own. I even went on vacation on by myself. It was amazing and empowering and taught me that I liked my own company. Sometimes. Sometimes I can be a real pain in the ass. For the first time in my life, I have a relationship with myself. 

2. There are more than fifty shades of grey
 

No, I’m talking about THAT. I’ve learned that there is no black and white. Good and evil are extremes that none of us exist in. We all exist in the in between – the grey area. There are no absolutes. There is no absolute truth. We each exist in our own versions of reality. Learning that I don’t have to fit into everyone else’s reality was liberating. Learning to respect that other people live in their own was liberating. Realizing that I can’t force someone else into mine was frustrating as hell – but valuable. 

3. It’s supposed to hurt. It’s supposed to be hard. 

It hurts because it matters. It hurts because it’s important. Pain is our most powerful teacher when we let it be. It can change us in the most beautiful ways. Life isn’t supposed to be easy. You don’t wake up and climb Everest. We all have our mountains. We can choose to camp at the bottom and stare at the majesty or risk, hurt, and risk breaking our bones and wills to make it to the top. There isn’t an easy way.

4. I’m not broken. I don’t have to be perfect. 

There isn’t something inherently broken in me. I have limitations. I don’t always feel or do or think the things I think I’m supposed to. I don’t have to be what I think everyone wants me to be. My feelings are my own and I don’t have be sorry for them. I make mistakes and I have awesome failures. This is true of my life and my writing. You can always edit a shitty first draft.

5. I get by with a little help from my friends. And family. And therapist. 
 

This year I learned that I can’t do it all by myself – especially not and do it all. I hit this big huge wall. I have vast and varied ambitions. However, they all seem impossible when I struggle to get out of bed. When Robin Williams took his own life this year, I was hit with this huge realization that I wasn’t going to magically get better. I knew at that moment that I couldn’t survive fighting off depression for another 10 or 20 years. I needed help. I needed to allow myself to be helped. 

6. I’m a feminist. 

Feminism is not a bad word. I believe in the power of women. I believe in the power of women to raise up other women. I believe that every person who lives and breathes regardless of gender, race, or sexual orientation should be empowered to live a full and happy life on their own terms. I think this is an especially huge challenge for women. Not because of our lack of capabilities, but because of the tremendous expectations we place on ourselves and have placed upon us by society. I’m a feminist and I’m proud of it. 

7. The arts exist so that we can.
 

Art, music, books, philosophy and psychology are where I get lost and where I get found (that and the internet). Anais Nin said it perfectly, "We do not 'escape' into philosophy, psychology and art -we go there to restore our shattered selves into whole ones." Sometimes we don’t have the words for our own pain. Sometimes love is too big for our own expression. Sometimes we need someone else to ask the questions. Sometimes we don’t have the music our own souls need to dance. It’s out there. Sometimes it takes some digging, but it’s out there.  

8. I can’t control the outcome

This was unexpected news to me. Not good news. I was caught totally unawares by this.  It turns out that I can ask nicely, I can stomp my feet and throw shit, and I can fume silently in a corner and people still aren’t going to do what I want them to. It also doesn’t mean that I don’t have to control my own actions and reactions. I can’t use my lack of control as a valid excuse to be a brat. This lesson is filed under “Being an adult is bullshit sometimes.” 

9. I’m still me

Turns out that all this growing and maturing hasn’t made me less me. It’s made me more me. This kind of pissed me off a little. I wanted a bright new shiny me. I’m not new, bright or shiny. I still cuss too much and I still occasionally throw things that piss me off. I’m ok with that. I’m actually kind of thrilled to learn that I didn’t need a bright, new shiny me. I just needed to brush my hair and add some glitter.  

10. I’m capable. I’m worthy. I’m magical. 

There is a massive difference in self-worth and self-esteem. There have been times in my life that I’ve questioned my own capabilities. There have been countless times that I have questioned my self-worth. I have so far to go, but I have come so far. I don’t believe in living entirely by logic. I believe that there is magic to be found in love and laughter. I believe I’m capable of continuing to grow and learn. I have faith that I’m worth living a life that is rewarding and fulfilling. I believe that if I can continue to grow, do all things with love, and fill my life with laughter, I can still fail, still suck, and still struggle and still live a life full of magical possibilities. 

This year I hope to learn how to use the force, find the secret ingredient to the perfect polyjuice potion, and figure out how the hell you make those pretty little wings with eyeliner. That last one just escapes me completely and I’m pretty good with make-up. I’m not sure I will get to all of those, but I’m going to do my best. 

A couple months ago, we were sitting in the living room and my twelve year old son rolled in talking about something he was totally clueless about. Well, you know, as a parent, you always have to prove you are a badass and make them realize they don’t know anything. So I asked him a semi-hard but not impossible question regarding his newfound topic and he answered with something totally unrelated. Like if I had asked what kind of sandwich he wanted for lunch, he said, ‘basketball’ or something like that.  Aha! Triumph. I have proven I am smarter than the 12 year old. I didn’t get much time to gloat before he looks at me, laughs, and says, “Welp, I did the best I could. That’s all Jesus asks us to do. I’m going to play.” 

I’d just been put in my place by a tween. I’m not really qualified to argue with Jesus. Do the best you can. It was enough in 2014. It will be enough this year, too.