Be change. Be fearless. Be magical. Every day.

A couple of years ago I was naive enough to think that I could take simple steps, using someone else’s formula to miraculously become a happier person. I should have just picked up a heroin habit or gone gluten free. Either one would have been more effective. I have a lifelong habit of doing things the hard way.

Needless to say, I abandoned that little fantasy a while back ago. I wasn’t getting to the root of the problem. I wasn’t digging deep enough. I was missing the fucking point entirely.

I didn’t need to find happiness. That’s stupid. Unless I spend the rest of my life sitting on a beach and smoking pot, happiness as a general state is a pipe dream. Do you know anyone who is just happy every day? I do. They get on my fucking nerves. Plus, they aren’t funny and that’s no way to live.

I needed to find a better definition of who I am, what I want, and where I want to go. My silly little quest to be happy turned into a personal journey that has developed into forming a personal philosophy. Turns out that is some pretty important shit. Finding a starting point for that is no easy task. Seriously, where do you start to define yourself? That is a big complicated answer that changes and evolves. How do you even begin?

I was having this meltdown on my best friend one day and she suggested that I start small. Oh. Well, that is simple. What do I enjoy? What do I want to do? She made me realize that I didn’t need any great epiphany to get started. I could start with the basics. Brilliant!

Life Lesson: When something is complicated – start simple.

I started a list of words. I like words. It’s because I’m kind of a nerd. My favorite website is Thesaurus.com. Seriously. Anyway, I started a list of words broken into the categories of adjectives, verbs and nouns (like I said, nerd). They were words that I wanted to describe me. A basic list of characteristics that were important to me. It doesn’t get any more basic than single words.

So I focused on the list for a little while and then, like a lot of my bright and brilliant ideas, it got abandoned for bad decisions or good dessert. However, it did make me think on a more basic level. My simple list of words had started to form a picture of what was important to me and of who I wanted to be.

Fast forward to a couple months later. I had a revelation about a word after I wrote a blog post (obviously a while ago). I suddenly needed to add this word to my list. This word was important. Maybe even integral. Obsessive is a gentle word for my disposition sometimes. 

I pulled out my journal and my list of words and added my new word. Then I began to read through my other words. Three words, including my new revolutionary word, jumped off the page at me. They were darker, brighter, and more important than all the others.

change (verb): to make the form, nature, content, future course, etc., of (something) different from what it is or from what it would be if left alone

Change is essential. Not only is it essential to my nature, but it is essential to growth. You cannot evolve without it. Change is inevitable. Life in general is a dynamic process. I don’t want to be uninvolved in my own life. Shit’s gonna go down. I want to affect the changes in my life. I don’t want to simply endure them. I don’t want to just survive them. Change is a verb. It is life in action. I want to be the force of change in my own life. Letting the world around me direct that change is passive. That word isn’t on my list. I want to remove it from the vocabulary of me.

fearless (adjective): without fear; bold or brave; intrepid.

That is a stupid definition. It doesn’t help me write this at all. Let’s go ahead and define fear for the purposes of understanding what the fuck I’m trying to say.

fear (noun): a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid

I refuse, REFUSE, to continue to allow fear to be a driving force in my life. I’ve lived my whole life in the shadow of some fear or another. Fear of failure. Fear of rejection. Fear of hurt. It’s an exercise in futility. Making decisions based in fear have not, in the least little bit, prevented ANY of that from happening. I have failed. I have been rejected. I have been hurt. A bunch of other shit I didn’t even know I should have feared has happened. I have broken. There have been days that I thought I wouldn’t survive. I’ve been lost in a darkness I never thought I would escape. Guess what? I’m still here. Its past time to stop letting those fears rule my life. I really am a bad ass. I need to stop letting myself forget that.

magic (noun): the art of producing a desired effect or result through the use of incantation or various other techniques that presumably assure human control of supernatural agencies or the forces of nature.
 
Wow! That is one hell of a definition, isn’t it? Holy hell. I think that we should just throw that out.

Magic has a completely different definition for me. It has a unique connotation and interpretation for me. That is why it’s one of my favorites. Shakespeare made up words - I make up definitions. 

Magic is the word that was added at the end. It describes the power I hold within myself. It’s a concoction of confidence, tenacity, strength, self-awareness, and a myriad of other inner forces that provide me with the potential to become what I want to be. It’s representative of finding those things within myself after years of not recognizing they were there all along. It’s not supernatural. There’s no hocus pocus to it. However, the realization of my own capabilities has been, in fact, magical. Kiss it, Shakespeare. (I don’t meant that Will, I really love you, I’m just a bit dramatic.)

These are not words that define me. They are the words I want characterize my life. They are a guide to shape myself into a better version of me. They are a compass to bring me back to who I want to be when I get lost.

A year after I chose them, I had these words tattooed on my ribcage. They are in Gaelic and serve as a reminder. I must use them to use where I have come from to get where I want to be. I am vigilant about practicing them. They are in use at every breath. They are formed from my history and will give me a future.

Be change. Be fearless. Be magical. Every day.